Wednesday, September 30, 2009

Something exciting

I have recently, as in over the past couple of days, come up with a business idea, and I think I know I'm going to like doing it.  I have got a domain name, got some web hosting, blog publishing software, a twitter account, a facebook fan page and a desire to review iPhone apps.  Now I don't forsee retiring on this idea but it's a start.

If I get enough followers on twitter and enough readers of the blog I should be able to start leveraging to get some advertising on the website.  Get even more followers and charge more for the ads, step it up again and I should be able to start reviewing all apps for free (in theory).

I've been so excited about the idea that I was running on 4 hours of sleep yesterday.  I have learned a lot about everything involved over the past couple of days and I'm looking forward to learning even more.  There is nothing to really look at just yet but if you're on twitter look me up Etchreviews or check out the blog.

As for everything thing else going on in my life right now, I'm going to just move forward with the weight lifting and ignore my miss last week.  Everything else is going well.  Thanks for tuning in!

Monday, September 28, 2009

A set back.

First off I am still alcohol free!

So I have concluded the second week of working out and I only worked out once instead of twice as per the goal.  *sigh*  Alright so now the decision at hand; Move forward to week three and working out three times or a do-over of week two and two workouts?  Does it really matter?  I'm going to put a poll up for the fun of doing it!

Wednesday, September 23, 2009

So here I sit

I'm trying my hardest to be lost in the music I'm listening to and not interact with anyone.  It's just one of those days.  Thank you Pandora for helping me to get through it.  Go ahead you know you want to click the link!  Fear not it's just a link to the station I created that gets me through the days like this.

So what's it like to feel this way?  It's like trying to run in a pool.  Takes a lot of energy and you don't really get anywhere.  I can't get comfortable, I can't stop the rushing thoughts that usually entail deconstructing my life in one form or another.  It's hard to work, hard to think and even harder to make decisions.  Every thought is tainted and reeks of bipolar influence.  I want to scream out, cry and break stuff.  All the while wanting someone or something to comfort me.  Only problem is I'm annoyed by everything and everyone.

One thing that I left out when talking about bipolar was the very dangerous state of manic depression.  This is when you are both manic and depressed.  Doesn't sound like that should be possible does it?  It is and it has a high rate of suicide attempts associated with it.  Take the worse parts of depression and compound them with anger and impulsiveness.  This can be one of the side effects of having bipolar and being on an anti-depressant.  What's that you say?  Am I on an anti-depressant?  Yep.  Why?  Well, because the bipolar medicines where doing there job but I was still getting severely depressed.  So it's something I deal with.

It's really a waiting game.  I just have to dig my heels in and wait for the storm to pass.  Focus on the fact that I can go to sleep and tomorrow with probably be different.  When it spans more than a day, that's when you have to dig deep.  Sorry for the serious post.  It had to be done.

Disclaimer: AGAIN not looking for a pity party.  Please don't do it.  I write this, to get this crap out.  To make me think about it.

Monday, September 21, 2009

Mat you said bipolar...

That's right I did mention that I have bipolar and have been living with it for quite some time now.  Since I was a teenager in fact.  ...but wait wouldn't I have had it all along?  Yep that's true.  I was just diagnosed with it in my teenage years when they finally changed the name of manic-depressive to bipolar.  I think bipolar gets a bad wrap for a couple of reasons, so I wanted to talk about it a bit.  So if this doesn't sound interesting...stop reading now.  I found a good definition of it that I'll share to start: Bipolar

What does Bipolar mean to me?  It means there are times when I am angery/depressed/over excited or in a funk for absolutely no reason.  Sounds like something you're experienced?  Probably.  So what makes me different.  I can go from one to another in a matter in as little as a minute.  Kind of like a teenager.  Only I no longer have the raging hormones to blame.  Maybe you're starting to see why this is difficult to diagnose?  I've learned over the years how to deal with the depression side pretty well.  There are times when it can get particularly strong and over whelming.  Usually that is a good indicator that the meds aren't working right.  Now I'm not as good with the mania side of things.  I can tend to be a bit impulsive with purchases and my anger gets the best of me.  Again a lot of this might just sound like an average week for some of you.  There are times when I wonder if I'm just eating the line of crap they (psychiatrists) are feeding me, but then I have a REALLY bad day I realize that it's real.

Please don't think I'm searching for pity because that couldn't be farther from the truth.  I'm only trying to convey an accurate picture of it.

I have been dealing with this for a long time, 20+ years now.  Several times I have found medicines that worked.........for a while.  A lot of times I had to change from medicine to medicine to find the right one and these are meds on the hardcore level.  Some of what I take to help me is what kids are taking now to catch a buzz.  I was on one medicine that gave me tremors.  It was only after a while of this that I discovered the affects can be permanent.  Guess what?  I get to have random hand and eye tremors for the rest of my life now.  You know how many illegal drugs I've done with out any lasting side effect?  Oh wait you don't because I haven't posted about that yet.  Well I've done my fair share.  So why would I keep trying/taking these crazy mind altering, controlling and affecting drugs?  1 reason: I know if I didn't, I'd either die or go crazy.  It's just too hard and tiring to deal with the flood of emotions without the aid of the meds.

There, I think I accomplished what I wanted to although I don't think I write very well but this isn't an English assignment.

Sunday, September 20, 2009

One day at a time right?

So I thought I was on easy street with not drinking.  Fear not, I haven't fallen but I've wanted to, a couple of times now.  Nothing I can't handle just nothing I was expecting.  I figured I had it licked, able to forget it and move on.  Nope.  Wrong.  I was politely reminded that the 'decease' can still exert some control or influence over me.

In the past week I have found myself in the beer isle staring like an under-ager with wonderment at all the options and pretty packaging.  Only to snap out of it and wonder what I'm doing in that isle.  I think more than anything I miss the flavor or taste.  Just think about taking a food you really like and just stop eating it.  You're going to miss the flavor of it.  Now I must say that the smell of beer seems to bother me now and that actually bothers me.  I don't want to become one of those people that wrinkles their nose when someone next to them exhales after taking a refreshing gulp of their favorite beer.  I hate people like that.

I try very hard to not do that with cigarette smoke and I think I'm successful for the most part.  I guess I'll just have to be that way with beer.  Liquor doesn't seem to bother me, well let me say that the liquors that didn't bother me before don't now.  I have never liked the smell of bourbon or whiskey.

Alright I've gotten off topic again as I'm sure I'm going to do with a lot of these entries.  As a side note: week 1 is complete with the weight lifting.  Now I'm going to increase the goal to working out twice in one week.  I know, I know I'm not moving all that fast but this isn't a race.  I'm in it for the long haul.

Man I got off topic right after mentioning that I was getting off topic.  Too much caffeine.

Thursday, September 17, 2009

Sometimes a song lyric...

Sometimes a song lyrics just rings true and strikes a chord inside you (see what I did there?).  This morning on my way in I was listening to Taproot's Welcome album.  I came to fourth track titled "Art".  In this track, that I have heard many, many times are the lyrics, "I must eliminate and change yesterday’s; Yesterday’s pains today;".

Today, these words resonated in my head.  I found them to be very profound given where I am in my life.  With all the changes I have just seemed to fit.  Now there is something else here.

The name of the track in "Art".  As I'm sure most of the readers of this might not know I have been seeing or in the care of a therapist and/or a psychiatrist for most of my life.  Since about 4th or 5th grade when it was determined that I had a learning disability. It was later also determined that I had OCD and again later found to have manic-depression.  Manic-depression later became bi-polar but that's another post and I'm digressing.

*clears throat* WHERE'S THE TIE-IN MAT???  Right!  Art is the first name of my long time Therapist in VA.  Long way to go for that connection.

Alright fine, weak sauce but it was cool at the time.

Wednesday, September 16, 2009

Step One...err..Two - Whatever!

So I've quit drinking now for almost a month (Please note that was about week ago; I'm trying to bring this blog up to speed).  Why do I feel like something else needs to happen?  Probably because my gut (my over-sized gut) is telling me that I need to do more with my life.  I have a pre-midlife crisis, heh, and decide that I need to start making changes in my life.  Why?  I have no idea!

One month seems to be a good interval to wait to starting something new after the last thing.  I some how arrived at the decision that this was going to become a series. 

My next step: Health.  This is going to be a tough one mainly because I have had some much trouble getting any longevity out of a health kick.  This time I'm going to approach it with tenacity and a metered approach.  My give it a month plan.

First up?  Exercise.  To that end I have gotten some weights and a bench to add to the elliptical.  Now to get a good habit started.  So far so good.  I'm only a week in though, this is the easy part.  The hard part is later when or if I start to get 'sick and tired' of working out.  I'm hoping that by not making a set schedule that I will not feel the pressure to work out all the time or the quilt if I miss a session.  This is contrary to what I normally do by having a strict workout schedule and regiment.  My plan is to start out on my own and progress into working with a trainer.

Next up: Concurring Soda...

The beginning...

Alright for everything there is a start point. This is mine. I'm 35 now and I feel that it's time to start driving my life. Stop being a passenger.

This happened kind of by accident.  I have had a long battle with various addictions and only had alcohol left.  After a Saturday night of steady drinking I had another episode early Sunday morning.  I'll spare you the details of the 'episode', suffice it to say that it made me think about not drinking.  It was decided that I should take a month off.  Little did I know that a close friend of mine had past away not two days prior on Friday of a heart attack.  He had also had a long struggle with demons of various forms.  He was sober and clean at the time of his death.  Now I'm not a very religious man but I would like to think that he had something to do with my decision to dry up for a month.

Now where were we?  Right the beginning of the week.....Tuesday comes and a good friend of mine openly (via His blog) tells of his struggles and how he is set about to turn his life around.  This got me thinking.  What is the point of my drinking?  Why do I continue knowing that I have alcoholism in my family?  Knowing that I've had issues with addiction before?  Why play the game?

I realize that I've become tired of this balancing act of drinking some but not drinking too much.  I consider myself lucky that I only got 1 DUI in my life and that I made it home all those other times safely.  So I have made the choice.  No more alcohol.  As my friend says in his blog: "If I don't have 1, I can't have 10."  It's plain and simple really.  Or atleast I hope it is.